A disgrace to myself...

It's me,

Hi!

I'm the problem it's me...

Yep, I myself am a disgrace to myself. 

I am back at the auditorium btw, for a competition I took part in. And I disappointed myself big time. So, basically it was like a poem competition, and everyone except me was doing it in Hindi (I was doing it in English) and I am pretty sure one of the judges was not very impressed. 

I froze before I even got on stage.

Idk what it is, I'm pretty good at communicating my thoughts, but every single time I have to go on stage without my script or any piece of paper to read off of, I just... Fck all of it up, yk? 

As of right now, as I listen to another girl's poem, I can just feel the inferiority complex kicking in. 

I am in midst of an exam week right now, and this is how it's going so far ---

I got 95% on my Hindi paper, and totally fucked up my Math paper. I have an English paper tomorrow and am I planning on studying for that? No. Absolutely not.

Also, something really sad happened yesterday. So, I was coming home with my friend when she got a text from one of her teachers asking if she wanted to participate in a particular competition that was about showing off one's speech skills. Only one female student was to get selected from our school. I thought to myself, I didn't get that message, but I wanna participate. 

So I go home and spend two hours trying to come up with an essay to talk about and then memorising it just to take 576 takes in order to get the perfect video. Then I proceed to get the validation of a very strict English teacher just to please my people-pleasing self. I do a couple more things in order to secure my position and then some priviledged child comes in and sweeps it from under my nose.

I really wanted to do this, so much so that I cried after I got home from school today --- for 30 minutes straight.

The main problem is that I feel like I'm failing myself. I had a spell bee regional finale that didn't go too hot, then I didn't get this opportunity, my poem competition didn't go as planned and I completely flunked my math test. 

I get insecure every time I see someone who gets better marks then me. The guy I was seeing (if you don't know him, then you skipped the last episode and I am very mad about that), is the topper of his class. And everytime he talks about how his exam went so smoothly or whatever, I get insecure. And idk if any of ya'll have ever felt the same way, but it's one of the worst feelings in the world. I feel like screaming and crying and dying all at the same time.

That might be a slight exaggeration, but this is truely what it feels like. 

So what did I want to get across with this post? Nothing in particular, just the fact that I am incredibly disappointed in myself and that my cousin could do a lot better than me...